A Dominican and a Jesuit Walk Into a Bar…. 4 Catholic Jokes

A Franciscan and Jesuit were debating which order was the greatest. So, they decided to ask for a sign from God…

Then Bishop, now Cardinal, Dolan Laughing Away.

1. Cast the First Stone…

Jesus was walking along one day, when He came upon a group of people surrounding a lady of ill repute. It was obvious that the crowd was preparing to stone her, so Jesus made His now-famous statement, “Let the person who has no sin cast the first stone.”

The crowd was shamed and one by one began to turn away. All of a sudden, a lovely little woman made her way through the crowd. Finally getting to the front, she tossed a pebble towards the woman.

Jesus looks over and says, “I really hate it when you do that, Mom.”

 

2. Franciscans VS Jesuits

A Franciscan and Jesuit were debating which order was the greatest. So, they decided to ask for a sign from God. This is what they received falling down from heaven:

My sons,

Please stop bickering about such trivial matters,

Sincerely,
God, O.P

 

3. Dominicans VS Jesuits

Two men considering a religious vocation were having a conversation. “What is similar about the Jesuit and Dominican Orders? ” the one asked.

The second replied, “Well, they were both founded by Spaniards — St. Dominic for the Dominicans, and St. Ignatius of Loyola for the Jesuits. They were also both founded to combat heresy — the Dominicans to fight the Albigensians, and the Jesuits to fight the Protestants.”

“What is different about the Jesuit and Dominican Orders?”

“Met any Albigensians lately?

 

4. A Priest and a Bus Driver Go to Heaven…

A priest and a bus driver both died and went to Heaven at the same time. They get to the pearly gates where Pope St. Peter greets them. He motions to the priest, and they both hop in a jeep and go out the back door. There are about 50 acres of rolling hills with a little cottage on the knoll.

St. Peter turns to the priest and says “This will be yours for eternity. A perfect little cottage, right next to lovely pond, a lush little garden, and a library full of books.”

The priest says, “Thank you so much. This I shall enjoy!” St. Peter drops off the priest, goes back to the pearly gates and motions to the bus driver.

They hop in a stretch limo and go out the front door. There are about 500 acres of land, with mountains and lakes and rivers. There is a huge 200-room castle on one of the mountains, and a wishing well that makes wishes come true. St. Peter says “This will be yours for eternity. You can live in that castle with servants to wait on you hand and foot, and you can have everything you want.”

The bus driver looks and St. Peter and says “Well, now, don’t think I’m not grateful, but why am I getting so much more than the priest?”

St. Peter just laughs and says “You brought more souls to Heaven! When the priest preached, everyone fell asleep. When you drove your bus, people prayed!”

  • allan

    nice. very funny.

  • I love it!

  • russophile

    I don’t like the one about Mary, I think it is sacreligious.

    • Don

      relax.

  • Diane

    Love #4. Been on buses like that.

  • Gamaliel

    Blessed be the name of the Lord! Blessed be Mary, Mother of God!

    Please do not make jokes about the Lord and the Blessed Mother. You may not know it, but it is indeed sacrilegious, as the other comment pointed out.

    Thank you.

    +JMJ

  • I winced at # 1. The Blessed Virgin has been so good to me.

    GOLGOTHA’S MARY

    Not alone to shepherds or in caves
    No burning cherub or Creator’s slave
    But one of us, Mater Creatoris

    Not alone to victims or to innocents
    You also come to help impenitents
    And prisoners, Mater Salvatoris

    Not alone to save the faithful weak
    But those who crucify you also seek
    To hear them, Consolatrix afflictorum

    Not alone to heal infected hope
    And those condemned to bullet or to rope
    But also killers, Salus infirmorum

    Gentle and forgiving the unloved
    We hear you in the pitying of doves
    And follow you, Regina Angelorum

    August 15, 1995

  • Ronaldo Magallanes

    #1’s meant nothing but to make anyone smile it’s not anything debasing our Mother!

  • Ronaldo Magallanes

    She is sinless yet she still made herself to cast a pebble! that’s pure humility!

  • Kristi

    I think the one about the Blessed Virgin is sacrilegious!! In fact, the only funny and good one was the last one. The other ones need to be removed, please!!

  • seanmahair

    I’ll just bet Mary has a wonderful sense of humor. After all she gave birth to the Savior of the world. If she didn’t have a sense of humor she’d have been insane after a while.

    So good to see people with a willingness to laugh at themselves. Makes life much more bearable as we are all sinners and all undeserving of the Atonement. I think our Eternal Father also has a sense of humor. Why else would he have created the Platypus?

  • meg

    I loved them all! I think anything that brings up Jesus, Mary, God, the saints and angels is a wonderful thing! People need to open up, love, laugh and include Jesus and Mary in more conversations! “I believe in him with all my heart and lean not into my own understanding.” As a nurse, I find Jesus has a fabulous sense of humor, and so must his mother! He gets me into and out of more jams now than ever! Thanks for sharing!

  • ELY

    Oh Please – they are all funny and meant in the best way- no one is being put down…a good chuckle won’t hurt you. :-)

  • rodolfo

    here’s my contribution: A man went to see his father confessor, admitting that lately, he’d been having delusions of divinity. The priest, startled, asked him to relate how this developed, and to start from the very beginning. The man said: “In the beginning, I created the heavens and the earth.”